[MSG]: If you come home and see an ambulance outside, don’t worry. I’ve got it all under control.
[MSG:] One time I thought I was heterosexual.
[MSG:] I’M WEARING A FLAG.
[MSG:] Just get in the fucking blanket fort.
[MSG:] I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I pass out for 3 days.
[MSG:] I am going places. Maybe not college, but places…
[MSG:] I don’t think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
[MSG:] THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESN’T EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
[MSG:] We’re making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
[MSG:] Can you pick me up? The threeway turned into a twoway while I sit here alone in the corner…
[MSG:] Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
[MSG:] You know, my friends think I make these stories up…
[MSG:] I’m bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We’re plotting your demise.
[MSG:] My cute new neighbor has a cast on his leg. How sad is it that my first thought was, “Hey! This one can’t run away!”.
[MSG:] OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still…
[MSG:] I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
[MSG:] I just walked into the room at this party and someone shouted “dibs!”
[MSG:] He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
[MSG:] Uh, I almost got the bride to go down on me. I’m the smoothest maid of honor ever.
[MSG:] Somehow a ride to Walgreens turned into a threesome.
[MSG:] Yeah, don’t like to call her my roommate. Too cordial. I prefer to call her “the whore that was assigned to live with me.”
[MSG:] Why does every bad decision I make end up with at least 100 likes on YouTube?
[MSG:] I feel like I don’t show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time.
[MSG:] I told you not to buy lube from a tourist shop!
[MSG:] He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
[MSG:] STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE.
[MSG:] There were containers of weed in the piñata.
[MSG:] So far today I’ve had six shots of tequila, one joint, I’ve hit three parties, made out with two people and been chased by security. It is spring break.
[MSG:] OMG SOMEONE JUST CRASHED THIS LECTURE SCREAMING “TROOOOOLLLL IN THE DUNGEONS!!!” I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING HELP
[MSG:] I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon.
[MSG:] Uh, I think that pic was for someone else. At least, I hope so…
[MSG:] My gaydar is infallible. Trust me.
[MSG:] I’m actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We’re just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators.
[MSG:] See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
[MSG:] Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
